mein Selbstbild stimmt nicht

Selbstbild und Wunschbild – ein Gedankenspiel

Mein Selbstbild stimmt nicht. Zwischen meiner Selbstwahrnehmung und meinem Selbstbild liegen Welten.

Seitdem ich hoch motiviert aus der Klinik kam, dümpel ich mehr oder weniger vor mich hin. Ich hatte mir so viel vorgenommen, wollte täglich meditieren, mich gesund ernähren, täglich Ölziehen und viel Yoga machen. Parallel dazu wollte ich Tagebuch schreiben und meine Fortschritte schriftlich festhalten. Ich habe in Immanuel Krankenhaus so viel Input bekommen und fühlte mich kraftvoll und energetisch, so dass meinem neuen Leben eigentlich nichts mehr im Wege stand.

Bin ich jetzt einfach nur eine faule Socke? Bekomme ich, wie so oft in meinem Leben, meinen Arsch nicht hoch? Was ist das, was mich jeden Tag davon abhält meine Ziele zu verwirklichen? Ich würde mal sagen, meine Ziele sind wohl nicht realistisch, mein Anspruch ist zu hoch. Ich hinke einem gewissen Wunschbild hinterher, wodurch mein Selbstbild regelrecht verzerrt ist. Ich nehme mir regelmäßig bestimmte Dinge vor, schreibe sie sogar auf und mache aber das glatte Gegenteil.

In meiner Vorstellung lebe ich 100-prozentig vegan und gesund. Ich bereite meine Mahlzeiten jeden Tag frisch selber zu, verwende dafür frische Kräuter, die alle an meinem Fenster in Blumenkästen wachsen. Meine Kräuter finden auch Verwendung in frischen Smoothies und ich bereite sämtliche Brotaufstriche und Marmeladen selber zu. Fast Food und Alkohol sind gänzlich aus meinem Ernährungsplan gestrichen. Meditieren gehört zu meinem Alltag, wie das tägliche Zähneputzen. Auf meine Yogapraxis kann ich weniger verzichten, als auf ein Glas Wasser, wenn ich durstig bin. Ich bin schlank, finde mich schön und bin eloquent, selbstbewusst, fröhlich und ein bisschen verrückt. Es vergeht kein einziger Tag an dem ich nicht ein Bild male oder Texte schreibe oder ich sitze an meiner Nähmaschine. Wenn ich mal nichts tue, dann tue ich auch wirklich nichts, sondern bin aktiv entspannt und aufmerksam.

Die Realität sieht anders aus. Kreativ sein fällt mir zurzeit sehr schwer, nicht nur wegen der aktuellen Schmerzen, sondern auch aus anderen Gründen. Ich komme nicht zur Ruhe, ich lenke mich viel ab, ich mache lieber den Haushalt und vertrödelt Zeit beim Einkaufen und shoppen. Online shopping kann ich stundenlang betreiben, so wie ich täglich mehrere Stunden auf meinem kleinen Tablet Netflix Serien verschlinge. In meiner Selbstwahrnehmung bin ich träge, ständig unzufrieden und unscheinbar.

Ich höre immer noch die Stimmen aus meiner Kindheit: “ Du könntest sehr viel mehr, wenn du dich ein bisschen anstrengen würdest!“ oder „Pass doch auf! Warum bist du immer so ungeschickt?“ und „Ich weiß nicht wie das mit dir weitergehen soll?“ Ich gebe zu, das sind Sätze, die der Vergangenheit angehören. Es gibt kein Grund, diese Sätze immer noch für mich zu wiederholen.

Ich weiß das, und trotzdem denke ich unbewusst, ohne zu merken, sehr häufig defizitär über mich, meine Person. Ich fühle mich in allem, was ich mache unzulänglich, es reicht nicht, was ich mache. Ich ernähre mich nur halb gesund und greife viel zu oft zu Süßigkeiten, wie Schokolade oder Gummibärchen. Ich liebe Chips und es fällt mir sehr schwer darauf zu verzichten. Meine Bilder die ich male sind „nett“, eigentlich will ich aber Künstlerin sein. Meine Texte sind wahrscheinlich auch nicht mehr als „nett“, ich möchte aber eine hochrangige Autorin sein. Yoga macht mir Spaß, ich möchte aber mindestens den Kopfstand machen können. Ich koche leidenschaftlich gern, brauche aber immer ein Rezept dafür. Ich möchte mich schön kleiden, bin aber zu dick! Ich bin schrecklich inkonsequent, halte mich nicht an meine selbst gestellten Aufgaben und habe ständig das Gefühl „Ich habe es wieder nicht geschafft“

Langsam wird es deutlich, mein Selbstbild und meine Selbstwahrnehmung gehen so weit auseinander, das kann nur schief gehen. Schiefgehen im Sinne von: ich bekomme ernsthafte Probleme. Ich erzeuge in mir chronische Unzufriedenheit und zerstöre mir selber meinen Selbstwert. Obwohl ich das alles weiß und schon etliche Therapien gemacht habe, finde ich keine Brücke zwischen meinem Selbstbild und meiner Selbstwahrnehmung. Der Abstand ist zu groß geworden. Ich will das nicht mehr! Ich möchte aktiv etwas dafür tun, dass mein Selbstbild realistischer wird und ich mich nicht mehr selber abwertend muss. Geister aus meiner Vergangenheit verscheuchen und anfangen mich selber zu lieben. Eins habe ich inzwischen begriffen, durch Yoga oder gesunde Ernährung gelange ich nicht dahin wo ich gerne hin möchte. Es ist einzig und allein eine mentale Entscheidung. Wenn ich mich dazu entscheide die negativen Gedanken nicht mehr zuzulassen, bekommt das Positive meiner Persönlichkeit mehr Raum.

Denn wenn ich von außen auf mich schauen könnte, dann entstünde ein ganz anderes Bild von mir. Das was Andere, meine Mitmenschen in mir sehen, was sie wahrnehmen und an mir schätzen, sieht so aus: Da ist eine jung gebliebene 52 jährige Frau, die einen sehr eigenen und hübschen Kleidungsstil hat, sportlich und attraktiv aussieht, eine unglaubliche Energie ausstrahlt, selbstbewusst und entspannt wirkt und mit ihrem Partner in einer wunderschön eingerichteten Wohnung wohnt. Eine Frau, die weiß was sie will. Die viele kreative Seiten hat, wunderschöne Bilder malt, mutige Texte schreibt, selbstbewusst und offen. Eine Person mit der man sich gerne unterhält, die lustig sein kann und immer ein Ohr für ihr gegenüber hat. Liebenswert und aufmerksam. Jemand der immer das richtige Mitbringsel oder Geschenk findet und weiß was Freundschaft bedeutet.

Alle meine Mitmenschen wissen, dass ich chronisch krank bin. Viele können sich dennoch nicht vorstellen, wie es ist mit chronischen Schmerzen zu leben. Und sehr viele von meinen Mitmenschen geben mir immer wieder das Feedback, dass man mir meine Schmerzen nicht anmerkt und auch nicht ansieht. Ich glaube im alltäglichen Umgang vergessen viele Menschen, womit ich täglich zu kämpfen habe.

Aber wie kann das sein? Ignoriere ich den Schmerz so stark, dass man ihn mir nicht ansieht? Dürfen die Schmerzen nicht sein? Spiele ich eine Rolle? Müsste ich nicht auch einfach mal traurig sein oder weinen, weil ich es vor Schmerzen nicht aushalte? Wer bin ich eigentlich? Hat mich der Schmerz, die Fibromyalgie zu einem anderen Menschen gemacht? Wer könnte ich sein, wenn ich keine Schmerzen habe? Haben meine Schmerzen mich im Griff?

Tatsache ist, dass die Fibromyalgie mein ganzes Dasein beeinflusst und ich letztendlich nicht weiß, ob mir gewisse Dinge nicht leichter fallen würden, wenn ich nicht jeden Tag neu entscheiden müsste, was an dem jeweiligen Tag möglich ist und was nicht. Meine Tagesform ist so unterschiedlich, dass ich im Prinzip kaum Pläne machen kann. Aus diesem Grund wäre es sicherlich hilfreich für mich selber, wenn ich diese Situationen zunächst einmal akzeptieren könnte und weniger streng mit mir sein müsste.

Ich habe mir vorgenommen, in kleinen Schritten auf mein nächstes Ziel zuzugehen. Mein Ziel heißt: “ Liebe dich selbst“. Anfangen möchte ich mit einer kleinen Übungen. Jedes Mal wenn ich mich dabei erwische negativ über mich zu denken, setze ich in Gedanken einen Satz entgegen. Ich sage zu mir selbst: „So wie du bist, bist du okay!“. Und wenn ich mich im Spiegel betrachte, versuche ich zu denken: „Ich bin schön!“ Ich werde versuchen, mir meinen Perfektheitsanspruch abzugewöhnen und zufrieden zu sein dem was mein Leben ausmacht. Mein Leben besteht nicht nur aus Schmerzen und wird nicht nur bestimmt durch die Fibromyalgie. Da ist so viel Schönes um mich herum, meine Familie, unsere Reisen und unsere schöne Wohnung, meine Freundinnen und Freunde, meine direkte Nachbarschaft, die Stadt in der ich wohne.

Ich möchte mein Selbstbild zurechtrücken und mehr Übereinstimmung finden zwischen Wunschbild und Selbstwahrnehmung. Denn das ist ein guter Weg zu mehr Zufriedenheit.

895 Kommentare

  1. Dieser Artikel könnte von mir sein… Ich bin auch Malerin und an den meisten Tagen stehe ich im Studio und hab nicht die Kraft die Arme zuheben und versuche meine Kreativität wieder greifen zu können erschöpfen mich unglaublich schnell…..

  2. Hallo, zusammen
    Seit ich Gluten frei lebe, alles selber backe, sind die Schmerzen viel weniger geworden. Keine O.P. mehr?
    kein Bandscheibenvorfall mehr.
    Probiert es.

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