Alltag bei uns in der Küche

Hektik in der Küche – normaler Alltag?

Erstellt von am in Erfahrungen, Fibromyalgie, Schmerz und Trauer

12.55 Uhr, eine Küche in einer Kleinstadt am Niederhein 1977. Die Sonne scheint. Die Küche ist in Nebel getaucht. Dampf vom kochenden Wasser und vom Bratfett. Töpfe und Pfannen, Schüsseln und Kochlöffel wirbeln hektisch durch die Hände meiner Mutter. Sie flucht, springt von hier nach da. Ich sitze am Tisch, der schon gedeckt ist und beobachte die Sonnenstrahlen, die sich wie Streifen durch den Dampf in die Küche schleichen. Ein wunderschöner Lichtstrahl durchdrungen von kleinen Wölkchen. Im Radio läuft gerade „Sunny“ von Boney M. und ich baumel mit den Beinen dazu. Meine Beine sind zu kurz, als dass sie den Boden berühren, denn ich bin erst zehn Jahre alt und für meine Alter recht klein. Ich habe schon Hunger und es duftet nach Bratwurst und Kraut. Nur etwas stört mich. Meine Mutter wird immer hektischer, sie ist angespannt und nervös. Ich möchte ihr helfen, aber das würde sie nur noch nervöser machen.

Die Tür wird aufgerissen und mein Vater betritt die Küche. „Warum ist das Essen noch nicht fertig!“ brüllt er sofort los. Und: „Ich kann es nicht verstehen! Du weißt doch, dass ich immer um ein Uhr komme! Was hast du schon wieder gemacht? Und was ist das hier für eine Luft?“. Er reißt die große Schiebetür zur Terrasse auf. Sofort zieht kalte Luft in die Küche und an meine Füße. Meine Mutter hat einen hochroten Kopf, der Schweiß steht ihr auf der Stirn, ihre Hände zittern.

13.02 Uhr meine Mutter knallt wütend die gefüllten Schüsseln auf den Tisch und zischt ein „Hier ist ja dein Essen!“. Noch ehe sie ihre Schürzte ablegen und sich setzten kann, hat sich mein Vater schon Essen auf den Teller getan und beginnt ohne ein Wort zu verlieren zu essen. Vielmehr schlingt er das Essen in sich hinein. Langsam füllt uns (meine beiden Geschwister sitzen auch am Tisch) meine Mutter unsere Teller auf. Zum Schluss nimmt sie sich selber. Dann springt sie noch mal auf. Sie hat den Kaffee vergessen.

13.15 Uhr, die Kaffeemaschine sprudelt und gluckert, im Radio kommt gerade der Wetterbericht. Mein Vater ist schon beim Nachtisch. Ich kaue mühevoll an meinem Bratwürstchen. Der Kloß im Hals will keinen Platz machen. Ich fühle mich wie erstarrt. Alle meine Muskeln sind angespannt. Ich habe Angst. Angst etwas zu sagen. Jetzt gibt es zwar keinen Dampf mehr in der Küche, dafür aber dicke Luft. Meine Eltern schweigen beide. Ich möchte eigentlich weinen oder schreien oder meine Mami in den Arm nehmen. Ich bin erstarrt.

13.16 Uhr mein Vater hat den heißen Kaffee hinunter gestürzt und geht hinüber ins Wohnzimmer, wo er sich auf das Sofa legt, um einen Mittagsschlaf zu halten. Heute bleiben ihm dafür statt 20 min nur 18 min, bevor er wieder zur Arbeit radelt. Mein Vater hat „Gleitende Arbeitszeiten“ und eigentlich keinen Grund für diese Hektik. Unsere Küche und das Wohnzimmer sind ein offener Raum, weshalb wir Kinder in die Kinderzimmer geschickt werden.

In meinem Zimmer sitze ich auf dem Boden und frage mich woher diese Wut, dieser Ärger bei meinem Vater kommt. Warum wird er so schnell wütend? Es gibt doch eigentlich keinen Grund….was sind schon zwei Minuten? Diese oder ähnliche Situationen kommen häufig vor und jedesmal verdirbt er uns allen die Stimmung. Je mehr ich darüber nachdenke, desto trauriger werde ich. Dann kommt mir noch ein Gedanke: „Warum wehrst du dich nicht Mama? Warum lässt du dir das gefallen?“ Wut steigt in mir hoch. Aber nur kurz, denn schon habe ich Mitleid. Betrübt setzte ich mich an den Schreibtisch und male an meiner Zeichnung weiter, die ich vor dem Essen angefangen habe. Ich zeichne Donald Duck, der ein blaues Auge hat und Sterne sieht. Ein Bild aus einem Comic.

Mir war lange nicht klar, wie sehr mich dieses Klima innerhalb unserer Familie geprägt hat. Weil es auch immer wieder schöne Momente gab, in denen wir gemeinsam gelacht, gespielt und sogar gefeiert haben. Wie durch eine rosarote Brille wollte ich nur die schönen Seiten meiner Kindheit sehen. Die Wahrheit ist, der Alltag war anstrengend. Hinter der vermeintlichen Harmonie, lauerte immer eine Bedrohung. Irgendwann habe ich meinen Vater heimlich den „Klima-Bestimmer“ genannt. Hatte er gute Laune, konnte es ganz entspannt bei uns zugehen. War er gestresst oder genervt, wurde er wahnsinnig schnell wütend. Jede Kleinigkeit konnte ihn auf die Palme bringen. Leider war das oft der Fall. Dazu kam sein Zwang alles bestimmen zu wollen. Es herrschte ein Klima der Angst, denn keiner wusste, wann der nächste Wutausbruch meines Vaters stattfinden würde. Meine Mutter konnte sich weder behaupten, noch konnte sie sich schützend vor ihre Kinder stellen. Sie entwickelte eine seltsame Strategie. Wann immer sie konnte versuchte sie ihre eigenen Entscheidungen zu verheimlichen und sah zu, dass auch wir das für uns behielten. Wenn sie uns zum Beispiel Geld für ein Eis gab, tat sie das heimlich mit den Worten „Aber nicht Papa sagen!“. Auch bei schwerwiegenderen Entscheidungen verhielt sie sich so. Mich hat das als Kind unglaublich verunsichert.

Was ist erlaubt und was nicht? Bin ich richtig oder falsch? Das Gefühl immer etwas falsch gemacht zu haben wich nicht mehr von meiner Seite. Dieses Gefühl war mein ständiger Begleiter.

Fast nie wusste ich, was ich eigentlich falsch gemacht hatte. Irgendwann fing ich an zu Lügen, überall und ohne Grund. Ich log mir meine Welt zurecht und manchmal wusste ich nicht mehr wen ich mit welcher Lüge belogen hatte.

Für mich passt das Bild des erstarrten Kindes zu dem immer stark angespannten Muskeltonus bei der Erkrankung Fibromyalgie. Häufig habe ich von Physiotherapeuten und Ärzten die Rückmeldung bekommen, dass ich meine Muskeln nur schwer loslassen und entspannen könne.

Ich frage mich schon lange, ob ein angespanntes und anstrengendes Familienklima ein sensibles Kind krank machen kann? Auf der Seite Warum habe ich Fibromyalgie habe ich versucht eine Antwort zu finden…..

784 Kommentare

  1. Hallo . Ich erkenne mich in vielem wieder . Und finde dass es eine Diskussion wert ist . Das hier ist ja eine öffentliche Seite und habe den Link in einer anderen Gruppe veröffentlicht ,wo ich auch auf dich ,auf uns aufmerksam machen wollte . Es tut mir leid ,dass ich nicht vorher gefragt habe . Ich dachte nicht daran ,dass das dich vielleicht stören könnte . Habe den Link wieder gelöscht ,da es Aufstand gab . Der Umgang in den Gruppen ist einfach unmöglich . So kann kein Austausch sein . Du gehst doch sehr offen damit um und ich auch ,und nur so kann einem dem anderen helfen . Sorry nochmal .

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  2. Hallo clix, Ich kann mich jetzt auch wieder an diese Situationen erinnern. Ich war schon immer sehr mit mir selber beschäftigt, auch damals, so das ich es geschafft habe es zu verdrängen und es zu vergessen. Dein Bruder

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