Es ist irgendwie seltsam, aber nach unserer Brasilienreise hat mich eine heftige Erkältung niedergestreckt, weshalb ich eine Woche wunderschönes Sommerwetter in Berlin verpasst habe. Und jetzt liege ich mit schlimmen Rückenschmerzen flach, seit wir aus Kreta zurück sind. Die Herbstsonne scheint leuchtend hell in mein Zimmer, die gelb gefärbten Weinblätter am Fenster werfen Schatten auf die Wand. Ich liege im Bett, die Beine hoch gelagert, unter dem Rücken ein elektrisches Heizkissen.
Wie gerne würde ich jetzt einen ausgiebigen Sparziergang in der Sonne machen!
Meine Rückenschmerzen sind während der letzten drei Tage unserer Reise suggestive schlimmer geworden und ich konnte nichts dagegen machen. Die schlechten Matratzen, die unbequemen Stühle und zum Schluss das Tragen meines schweren Rucksacks zum Bus, zur Fähre und zum Flughafen haben mehr und mehr meinen Rücken belastet und mir innerhalb weniger Stunden meine Kraft und Erholung geraubt. Mehr noch: mir ist so richtig ein „Knock – Out“ verpasst worden. Seit gestern geht nichts mehr.
Zuerst dachte ich noch, dass ich mit meinen Hausmitteln zurechtkomme und den Schmerz lindern kann. Ich habe es mit der Akupressurmatte, Heizkissen und Tens – Gerät versucht. Zusätzlich habe ich 24 Stunden ein Wärmepfaster getragen und zwar das Pingutherm, weil es nicht auf der Haut getragen , sondern auf die Kleidung geklebt wird und viele Stunden Wärme ausstrahlt. Abends habe ich mir mit meinen Schröpfgläsern selber den unteren Rücken und das rechte Bein massiert und nach langem Hin und Her auch Ibuprofen genommen. Keine dieser Maßnahmen hat geholfen.
„Also“, dachte ich, „hilft vielleicht leichte Bewegung“. Zuversichtlich bin ich ins Fitnessstudio gegangen, um dort einige Bahnen zu schwimmen und in die Sauna zu gehen, denn das tut mir in der Regel immer gut. Aber schon ein paar Stunden danach bemerkte ich: das war ein Schuss nach hinten. Meine Rückenschmerzen sind noch schlimmer geworden. Ich kann mich kaum noch bewegen, ein paar Schritte laufen geht nur unter Schmerzen und ich spüre, wie es auch emotional mit mir den Bach runtergeht. Mir fällt es schwer die Situation zu akzeptieren und anzunehmen. Stattdessen steigt Wut und Ärger in mir hoch. Mir schwirren Fragen im Kopf herum: „Wieso kann ich nicht, so wie andere Menschen erholt aus dem Urlaub kommen? Was habe ich jetzt schon wieder falsch gemacht? Wieso muss ich diese blöde Krankheit Fibromyalgie haben, warum ich?“ Voller Schmerz und Trauer, wütend und angespannt versuche ich mich gegen den einzig richtigen Gedanken zu wehren: „Du musst zum Arzt!“
Am nächsten Morgen gehe ich nicht ohne Widerwillen zum Arzt und lasse mich auf die Behandlung, mit Spritze und einem Medikament zur Muskelentspannung, ein. Danach stelle ich fest: jetzt hilft nur noch radikale Akzeptanz! Ich lasse mir ein Bad ein und versuche meinen ganzen Muskeltonus zu entspannen. Dank meiner Erfahrungen mit Meditation fällt mir das leicht. Ich tauche in die wohltuende Wärme ein, lasse los und werde mir bewusst, wie sehr ich einfach nur Ruhe brauche. Die Spritze zeigt Wirkung, die Medikamente auch und jetzt kann ich meinen Zustand annehmen. Es ist an der Zeit mich zu pflegen und meine Rückenschmerzen ernst zu nehmen.
Ich habe mich anscheinend mit der Art, wie wir reisen und auf welche Bedingungen wir im Ferienort antreffen, überfordert. Mit der Fibromyalgie im Gepäck, kann ich nicht länger so verreisen, wie bisher. Diese Erkenntnis tut weh und es ist wenig tröstlich, wenn meine Freundinnen das auf das Alter schieben. Mal ganz ehrlich: ich bin zwar keine zwanzig mehr, aber auch noch nicht alt und gebrechlich. Mit dem Alter hat das in meinem Fall wenig zutun und ich ärgere mich über diese oberflächlichen Kommentare.
Es ist die Fibromyalgie, die mir das Leben und das Reisen schwer macht! Und das zu akzeptieren fällt mir schwer und anscheinend auch meinen Freundinnen.
Abends im Bett schaue ich mir die Dokumentation „Gaga: five for two“ über das Leben der jungen Musikerin Lady Gaga an. Ich habe mich nie für sie interessiert und erst recht nicht für ihre Musik, bis sie vor ein paar Wochen öffentlich bekannt gegeben hat, dass sie an Fibromyalgie erkrankt ist. Das hat mich sehr beeindruckt und neugierig gemacht. Die Doku ist mir sehr nahe gegangen, denn es gibt ein paar Szenen, in denen sie sich mit all ihrem Schmerz zeigt. Sie hat überall massive Schmerzen, bekommt die beste Behandlung durch Physiotherapeuten und Ärzte und weint dennoch, weil sie den Schmerz kaum aushält. Gleichzeitig hat sie eine irre Power und Lebendigkeit, das ist enorm. Ich meine noch andere typische Symptome der Fibromyalgie an ihr erkannt zu haben, aber in der Doku kommt das nicht zur Sprache, weil sie zur Zeit der Dreharbeiten noch keine Diagnose hatte.
Seht euch die Doku mal an, sie ist echt sehenswert! Taschentücher nicht vergessen 🙂
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