Zu pummelig für die Ballettschule

Zu pummelig für die Ballettschule!

„Du bist zu pummelig“

Bis heute weiß ich nicht, aus welchem Grund mein Vater diese Bemerkung gemacht hat und meine Eltern mir diesen Stempel verpasst haben.  Ausgerechnet in einem zarten Alter von fünf oder sechs Jahren. Ein Alter, in dem man seinen Eltern noch alles glaubt, was sie sagen und in dem man zu ihnen hoch schaut. Weiß der Teufel, wie es zu dieser Bemerkung „Du bist zu pummelig“ kam? Was haben meine Eltern sich dabei gedacht? Welches Motiv hatten sie? Die Fotos von mir machen deutlich, dass ich alles andere bin als pummelig gewesen bin. Im Gegenteil: ich war ein ganz normal schlankes Kind!!!

pummelig und unbeweglich - so haben meine Eltern mich gesehen

Ich muss etwas weiter ausholen, um die ganze Geschichte zu erzählen:

Ich bin in einer Kleinstadt am Niederrhein in einer Familie mit drei Kindern aufgewachsen. Meine Eltern waren selbständig und mit der Geschäftsführung eines kleinen Supermarktes beschäftigt. Sie waren der Armut ihrer eigenen Eltern entkommen und wollten ihren Kindern etwas bieten und sie fördern. So kam es, dass meine Schwester, zweieinhalb Jahre älter als ich, zur Ballettschule ging. Manchmal durfte ich meine Mutter begleiten, wenn sie meine Schwester nach dem Ballettunterricht abholte. Den Geruch in der Umkleide und dem Saal, die großen Spiegel an der Wand, die anmutige und erhabene Erscheinung der Lehrerin und die schöne Ballettkleidung meiner Schwester werde ich nie vergessen. Ich saugte die ganze Atmosphäre auf, wie ein trockener Schwamm und zurück blieb eine ungestillte Sehnsucht. Ganz selten erlaubte mir meine Schwester ihr „Tutu“ und die Ballettschläppchen anzuziehen und dann zeigte sie mir die ersten Grundschritte. Wenn sich die Gelegenheit bot, zog ich heimlich ihre Spitzenschuhe an und versuchte auf den Zehnspitzen zu tanzen. Fortan träumte ich davon auch zur Ballettschule gehen zu dürfen, aber noch war ich zu jung.

Als ich mich endlich traute zu fragen, ob ich auch zur Ballettschule gehen dürfe, lautete die Antwort meines Vaters: „Nein, das kannst du nicht, du bist zu pummelig!“ Und das in einem Ton, der keinen Widerspruch erlaubte. Das traf mich wie ein Schlag ins Gesicht. Ich war fassungslos, enttäuscht und den Tränen nahe. Ich kann mich nicht erinnern, ob ich heimlich geweint habe. Aber bis heute ist eine unglaubliche Enttäuschung und die Sehnsucht zu tanzen geblieben. Und ich kann mich gut daran erinnern, dass ich ab dem Zeitpunkt begann, an mir herunter und in den Spiegel zu schauen, mich zu vergleichen und meinem Körper nicht mehr zu trauen.

Bis dahin war ich ein agiles und lebendiges Kind. Ich hatte ausgesprochen viel Freude am Tanz und bewegte mich mit Leichtigkeit.  Meine Glieder waren wie Gummi und meine Fantasie wie ein Flummi. Quatsch machen, in eine Rolle schlüpfen und mich verkleiden war auch ein geliebtes Spiel von mir, weshalb meine Familie mich auch gerne als „Clown“ bezeichneten. Wie kommen Eltern dazu so einem lebendigen fröhlichem Kind zu sagen es sei pummelig???? Irgendwann war ich dann wirklich pummelig und im Schulsport eine Niete. Ich war steif, ängstlich und langsam.

Manchmal frage ich mich, was aus mir geworden wäre, wenn ich die Ballettschule besucht hätte. Ich war diejenige in der Familie mit Lust an Bewegung und mutigem Körpereinsatz. Ich wäre sicher nicht beim Ballett geblieben, hätte aber vielleicht im Ausdruckstanz mein Glück gefunden? Mein Bedauern über diese Bemerkung und darüber, wie sehr sie mein Leben beeinflusst hat, ist bis heute gleichbleibend groß.

Ehrlich gesagt begegne ich Menschen, die zurück blickend sagen: „….ach, hätte ich doch dies oder jenes….“ mit Skepsis und mir bringt dieser Gedanke ja auch nichts. Trotzdem würde mich interessieren, ob ihr dieses „Aus-gebremst werden“ und nicht ernst genommen werden in eurer Kindheit auch erlebt habt. Meine Eltern haben nicht nur meine Fähigkeiten nicht gesehen, sondern obendrein mit negativen Vorurteilen kontraproduktiv Einfluss auf meine Entwicklung genommen.

Ohne die Frage nach der Schuld zu stellen, ist es für mich wichtig, heraus zu finden, ob eine gewisse emotionale Belastung in der Kindheit im späteren Leben ein FibromyalgieSyndrom verursachen kann. Können die Missachtung der Eltern, was kindliche Bedürfnisse betrifft und traumatische Erlebnisse eine Ursache für Fibromyalgie darstellen?  Ich gehe mit diesem Gedanken  nur einem Gefühl nach und einer gewissen persönlichen „Ursachenforschung“.

Mich interessiert, ob ihr ähnliche Erfahrungen gemacht und/oder  ähnliche Biographien habt. Ich freue mich auf  eure Kommentare ?

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