Dankbarkeit, das Wort löst gemischte Gefühle in mir aus.
Meine Erinnerungen an einen unschönen Zustand sind sehr präsent. Ich bin zehn Jahre alt. Meine Knie tun mir weh, die Holzbank in der Kirche ist so hart. Hart ist auch der Anspruch der Erwachsenen. Ich soll Dankbarkeit empfinden, soll meine Sünden beichten und einen Gottesdienst über mich ergehen lassen, der eine einzige Tortur für mich ist. Stehen, sitzen, knien, sitzen, stehen, knien…..keine Ahnung wie lange das geht. Dazu der Weihrauch und die mich bedrängende Scham. Gleich muss ich nach vorne gehen, mich in die Schlange der Wartenden einreihen und die Hostie in Empfang nehmen. Ich will nicht, fürchte und schäme mich. Ich habe jedes mal Angst, ich könnte etwas falsch machen.
Der Wald ist lichtdurchflutet. Die Sonne scheint durch die Bäume hindurch. Das klare warme Blau des Himmels leuchtet durch das Grün der Blätter hindurch. Ich sitze an einem Baum gelehnt auf dem Boden. Unter mir Gras und Moos. Die Augen habe ich geschlossen, doch das Sonnenlicht scheint durch meine Augenlider durch, die Welt ist in warmes orangefarbenes Licht getaucht. Ein Gefühl von Dankbarkeit durchströmt mich.
Ganz ohne Spiritualität? Ohne an einen Gott zu glauben? An wen oder was richtet sich denn dann meine Dankbarkeit? Und wie entsteht dieses Gefühl? Die Erinnerungen aus meiner Kindheit an die dunkle Kirche und die düstere Stimmung machen es heute noch schwer ein eigenes Empfinden zu erleben. Zu stark sind die Bilder in meinem Kopf und die Sätze, die ganz von alleine kommen.
„Ich hätte mehr Dankbarkeit von dir erwartet!“
„Wie kannst du so undankbar sein?“
„Du kannst dankbar sein, dass ich dich nicht noch mehr bestrafe. Andere Eltern würden jetzt….“
Ich habe früh gelernt mich schuldig zu fühlen, ohne zu wissen, warum ich schuldig bin. Wenn Schuldgefühle und Angst die vorherrschenden Gefühle sind, werden andere positive Gefühle überdeckt. Mit Hilfe von Meditation und Achtsamkeitsübungen habe ich gelernt ein breites Spektrum an Gefühlen in mir wahrzunehmen und zu differenzieren.
Eine Übung, die ich im Rahmen eines Achtsamkeitstrainings erlernt habe ist ganz einfach:
Wo immer du gerade bist, zuhause, auf der Arbeit, in der Natur: nimm dir 5 Minuten Zeit. Setze dich aufrecht hin, schließe deine Augen und nimm deinen Atem wahr. Spürst du ihn mehr in der Brust, im Bauch oder in den Nasenflügeln? Zähle jetzt bei jedem Atemzug von 1 – 10 und zwar in folgendem Rhythmus: ein – 1, aus -1, ein – 2, aus – 2, ein – 3, aus – 3 usw. bis du bei 10 angekommen bist. Wenn du merkst, dass du dich nicht an die letzte Zahl erinnern kannst, weil du in Gedanken woanders warst, beginne wieder bei 1. Nun stellst du dir hintereinander drei Fragen und beobachtest wertfrei, was du wahrnehmen kannst.
Was sagt mein Körper?
Was sagt mein Gefühl?
Was sagt mein Kopf?
Spannend, oder? Denn nun kannst du feststellen, dass dir zum Beispiel dein Kopf etwas ganz anders sagt, als dein Gefühl. Ich habe bei der Übung, die ich übrigens häufig auf der Toilette praktiziert habe, weil dies der einzige ruhige Ort auf der Arbeit war, bemerkt wie gestresst ich war. Vor der Übung war mir das oft gar nicht bewusst, weil mein Kopf mir gesagt hat: „Das schaffst du schon!“ oder „Da musst du jetzt durch!“
Ich mache die Übung regelmäßig und überall. Im Wald an einen Baum gelehnt zum Beispiel. Nicht selten stellt sich bei mir das Gefühl von Dankbarkeit ganz von alleine ein und durchströmt meinen Körper von oben bis unten. Ich bin dankbar für den Moment. Für die Sonne, die mich gerade so schön wärmt. Das Gras, was unter mir an den Beinen kitzelt. Die Vögel, die zwitschern und Bienen, die summen. Eine Fliege setzt sich auf meinen nackten Arm, krabbelt und kitzelt…ich lasse sie.
Das sind Glücksmomente für mich. Das Leben ist schön! Danke!
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